As of my last post, my concern was that if I left Alaska to do my interviews that I would not actually come back. Well I did leave Alaska, spent about a week in New York City, saw some of my favorite people in my favorite place, and did return to the Last Frontier. Short of working a corporate gig that requires you to travel four days a week, I consider myself to be a pretty experienced traveler. So I took the fact that I completely lost my boarding pass from Seattle to Anchorage to be a sign, not of absent mindedness, but a sign that maybe I shouldn't be going back. But I did go back. And cried most of the way. I cried on the train leaving New York, heading to the Newark airport. (New Jersey tends to have that effect on people sometimes.) I cried when I got on the plane from Seattle to Anchorage. And I cried when I walked back into my shoe box size apartment in Alaska. Had I had the money to throw caution to the wind and put down a deposit on an apartment, I may not have returned. But I did return. And I'm pretty darn proud of myself for doing so.
Yesterday I was back at the after school program for the first time in a week. There are about 20 kindergartn-8th grade students that come to our program. About 10ish of these are the "regulars," the ones I see every day. Before I left, they told me they would miss me when I left, but when I came back three of them almost tackled me to the ground in an effort to hug me and welcome me back. That, in a nutshell, is why I have stayed here as long as I have. That, in a nutshell, is the reason I came back.
I spent most of my two interviews talking about my experiences working with the kids at the afterschool program. While Teach for America has been on my bucket list for awhile, I wasn't quite sure I was ready to apply. I thought I had more adventuring yet to do, but after working with these amazing kids for the past 6 months, I felt I was ready. While I know teaching 8 hours a day in a classroom setting with 25 of them would be 10 times harder than having them for a couple of hours after school, I loved this enough to try.
After spending two solid days talking about how much I loved working with these kids, I realized that I'm not ready to leave them. Yes, it would be much easier to pack up shop and head home, but I have an amazing opportunity here to work with some amazing kids.
I've said since day one that if I'm spending a year of my life volunteering, I should be doing something that I'm remotely interested in and, dare I say, passionate about. Trying to convey this to the people who make the placement decisions at the organization I serve with has been a challenge to say the least. Maybe my standards are too high. I don't know. But I'm certainly not going to lower my standards on their behalf. Negotiations are in the works for me to switch site placements. I would love to be at the afterschool program full time, but realizing that is not an option, I would love to see what else is available. The past couple of weeks have been extremely trying. Anyone who has had a job where they have spent time crying in the bathroom, completely unmotivated, working with people who don't acknowledge that you even exist, and/or literally bored to tears can understand. While I am here to serve with this organization, this is my experience too. For a paycheck, I can certainly fake happiness or contentedness for a while, but since money is no object, I'm gonna need some of those intangible rewards. Like not hating my life.
I think Howard Thurman says it best...
"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman
